


5 ways pears are good for your health

by cluelesskaru



Category: VIXX
Genre: Acquaintances to Soulmates, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Bechdel Test Fail, Crack Treated Seriously, Fluff and Humor, M/M, Minor Kim Wonshik | Ravi/Lee Hongbin, My First Work in This Fandom, No Plot/Plotless, Pining, Slice of Life, Soccer Player!Taekwoon, Taekwoon Is Stressed, Theater Major!Jaehwan, This Is Not Going To Go The Way You Think, btobapvixx are good friends, character driven, me trying new things in THIS economy??
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-01
Updated: 2019-02-13
Packaged: 2019-10-02 09:36:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 16,442
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17261846
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cluelesskaru/pseuds/cluelesskaru
Summary: "i felt the urge to buy this for you," taekwoon says. "i do not understand why, so please do not question it and just accept my gift.""is... this what i think it is?"jaehwan keeps looking at their joined hands, his vision starting to get a little blurry and—"why are you crying.""sunbae," jaehwan says, voice strangled. "are you my soulmate?"or, when you find your soulmate, you get the urge to give them a gift as a means to tie your fates together. jaehwan just never thought his Gift would be a fruit given to him by someone that Does Not Want A Soulmate.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [fingerhearts](https://archiveofourown.org/users/fingerhearts/gifts), [sweetsurreal](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sweetsurreal/gifts).



the weather is glorious, the way it sometimes is when it' near spring. the sun is bright and students, both new and old, mill around the university square, checking out the booths and tables exposing all sorts of things, from clubs, to teams and research projects.

from one side of the square, one tall, brooding guy looks on. he had been walking somewhere when he stopped abruptly and stood to his highest height in full attention. he looks like one of those hunt dogs when they have just smelled prey. then, as if his mind is now set on the opposite direction, he turns around and walks away. only to show up again a while later, but now on the other side of the square. form there he walks with renewed purpose, towards a gazebo that's in full bloom. there's quite a lot of commotion there, with students paying more attention to these particular booths under the gazebo with giggles and sparked interest.

the brooding guy gets there and stops dead on his tracks in front of some other guy.

"i felt the urge to buy this for you," taekwoon says, louder than his usual tone. "i do not understand why, so please do not question it and just accept my gift."

jaehwan is standing on top of a bench, mid-sentence, belting through a honest to god megaphone when jung taekwoon stops in front of him and just says that. the senior looks weird and jaehwan can't quite trust his ears, so he climbs down and then jung taekwoon puts something on jaehwan's free palm that he covers with both of his.

it's the very first orientation day and jaehwan had been gathering people to watch the performance the drama department had prepared as welcome to the freshmen. the campus square is crowded and noisy and jaehwan just looks at his hand, dumbfounded.  people are looking at them too, suspecting of what must be happening to stop lee jaehwan from his recruiting.

"is... this what i think it is?" the drama major raises his eyes to look at taekwoon.

they don't know each other at all. they have more mutual friends than any form of personal connection and most of what jaehwan knows about taekwoon is that he's very close to hakyeon-hyung and that he's in the soccer team with bang yongguk-hyung and then there isn't much else he could say about the senior. that's all of it.

jaehwan keeps looking back at their joined hands, his vision starting to get a little blurry and—

"why are you crying," taekwoon asks. at least it's worded like a question, even if it wasn't intoned the proper way; the senior sounded unsure and quiet instead.

jaehwan lets the megaphone drop from his hand in a loud clang that somehow can be heard even through all the noise around them. people are staring with intent now, not even trying to hide it. jaehwan raises his now free hand to his mouth and feels the tears spill out of his eyes all at once.

"sunbae," he says, voice strangled. "are you my soulmate?"

 _"oh my god."_ taekwoon whispers with a lot of passion, eyes focused again, and drops his hold of jaehwan. _"no."_

jaehwan brings his hand from his mouth to hold more delicately the fruit resting on his palm. he raises his eyes up again to see the look of pure horror on taekwoon's face, as if he's just now getting out of the trance of whatever it was that had compelled him to come and talk to jaehwan in the first place. it's the most emotion jaehwan has ever seen from him.

without another word, taekwoon takes the fruit back from jaehwan's hands and promptly walks away; long legs taking him fast in long strides, the crowd easily parting to let him pass after what they just witnessed, until jung taekwoon disappears in the middle of everyone else.

"whoa." jaehwan says  to himself, tears still streaming down his face. "it was a pear."

 

* * *

 

 

"you what?" eunkwang asks, voice strangled with the effort to keep his voice subdued in the library.

taekwoon drops to a crouch,  hyperventilating and hiding his face on his hands. they are between a couple of heavily stacked bookshelves and away from the tables, but taekwoon can still feel the stares of all the people _in the orientation fair._ he had been in front of a large portion of the student body when he...

"i gifted my soulmate," taekwoon says from between his fingers. "but took the item back and left instead of talking to them." taekwoon rocks back and forth, still jittery from talking to the guy not fifteen minutes ago.

"who is it?" eunkwang's wheezing, flapping his hand in the air in a mixed gesture of trying to fan himself and also as if he wants to make something unpleasant go away.

taekwoon cringes further, aware that already being acquainted with his soulmate is a good thing, but he's having a hard time thinking any of this is a good thing.

"lee jaehwan? he was hakyeon's hazing son in '16."

and then, like it the whole thing's finally too much for him to take in, eunkwang doubles over, howling with laughter.

 

* * *

 

 

"he did _what."_ hakyeon asks through gritted teeth.

jaehwan shrinks further under the sheets, bringing them up until they cover the top of his head.

"he took the pear back and left." jaehwan whines. "i'm not even sure of what that means."

jaehwan sniffles as quietly as he can, but still hakyeon put his hand on his hip and starts petting him there in a way that makes jaehwan feel reassured enough to pull the covers back and let himself get some fresh air. by all means, it's too hot in the peak of spring to be under hakyeon's covers like that, but jaehwan knew what he needed when he went straight to hakyeon's apartment just outside the campus after what had happened and he has no qualms against making himself at home on his best friend's bed.

"and what did he say at first again?"

jaehwan sniffs a bit more. "he was all formal and said that he had had an urge and that i should accept his gift and not question it. he looked pretty out of it, too."

"that does sound like a soulmate gift." hakyeon says, more to himself than for jaehwan's benefit, which makes the younger one huff and pull the blanket up to his nose again, choosing to glare at hakyeon instead of using words. hakyeon furrows his eyebrows harder and puts more into rubbing reassuring circles on jaehwan's side to placate him. "and how did you feel when he said that?"

jaehwan uncovers his mouth and his eyes wander away.

"at first i didn't understand what was going on? and then i started crying—i don't know why i did that, it was so stupid. but then he left and i'm still not sure of what happened."

"i think taekwoon freaked out, jae."

"he left me there." jaehwan whines in a very small voice.

hakyeon coos and bends to hug jaehwan, his weight is reassuring and warm on jaehwan's side when his friend scoots closer to give him a kiss on the cheek. "taekwoon is a moron." he says very matter-of-factly. "want me to yell at him for you?"

"no." jaehwan squirms into a more comfortable position. " i can do that myself."

"that's what i like to hear." hakyeon pulls away and gives jaehwan a pat on the ass for good measure. yeah. jaehwan doesn't need him to do any yelling on his benefit. jaehwan is he's louder than him anyway. "and are you alright?"

jaehwan makes himself smaller and shrugs. "it wasn't a bad day before that, i think i'm happy—this is just a lot."

hakyeon smiles and his eyes have a comforting murderous glint to them. it's always nice to know your best friend would commit homicide for you.

 

* * *

 

 

pears, of all things. why did it have to be _fruit?_ taekwoon sulks while in line in the market the next afternoon. it's his third time that day getting himself a pear and he doesn't even particularly like the damned things.

well, it could be worse, he guesses. at least pears aren't that expensive and they aren't hard to carry around. he has heard all those tales of people that had had urges to build things with their own hands or gift whole _houses_ to their soulmates. he's a college student with a sports scholarship, he can't afford a house just yet. so pears aren't that bad, he supposes.

the lady who rings his measly purchases of a pear and a bottle of mineral water looks at him as if she knows just why he had bought a pear in the morning before practice, then one after lunch and now the third one after his final class of the day.

taekwoon keeps his chin up and pays for his items as dignified as he can. the next day he'll get his pears elsewhere, he doesn't need to be gawked at with that incriminating look.

taekwoon's haunted enough by the tears he had seen spill down fucking lee jaehwan's soft cheeks when he had taken the first pear back and tossed it on the trash on his way home.

he had a bad feeling afterwards for throwing that first pear away. it's still bugging him, to be honest. so this one he's just bought he eats instead of following every bone in his body telling him to go a certain direction and to a certain someone.

apparently it works the same way that birds could always fly back to where they had been born, without having to follow directions, and the gift giving is also some sort of remnant of when they used to have lizard brains or whatever. anyway, the whole thing is fucked up, in jung taekwoon's humble opinion. like, as far taekwoon knows, the only other mammals that mate for life are werewolves and then there are the seahorses and penguins and that doesn't even make any sense. what if his soulmate is a jerk? what if—lee jaehwan looks cute and everything but taekwoon also knows he's loud as fuck and what if he drives taekwoon up a wall and they start hating each other and then they'll be stuck together for life?

it sounds like the worst thing in the world to be trapped with someone. plus, not even all people have soulmates. his parents, for example, they found each other in a dating agency, sure, but they always brag to whoever cares to listen that they chose to be together and that it was why they made it work.

anyway, to be with someone because a weird sense of direction that worked like a bird's allowed one to find the other and because some chemicals in his brain seemed to match theirs didn't sound like a very good plan to taekwoon. so he eats his third damned pear of the day and drinks his water and goes home and decidedly goes to bed and falls asleep fast, without thinking about anyone in particular, thank you very much.

 

then he wakes up when he trips on a step just outside one of the campus' dorms. with a pear in hand. and wearing no shoes and nothing but the pajama pants he had put on to sleep. there's a very specific kind of clarity that one is able to achieve when they wake up toppled on concrete, with a scuffed palm and no recollection of how they had gotten there. the realization that he most likely just sleep-walked to where he's at is as absurd and worrying as the fact that he has a brand new pear with him that he has no idea how he acquired.

what a wild thing, to not be sure what's worse; not knowing how he's gotten to where he is or not knowing how he came to the possession of the fruit he's holding at the moment.

taekwoon looks around in alarm. he really is inside campus since he recognizes this particular spot as somewhere in the middle of the north side of the student residencies and not far from the political science buildings. he is far from home, though. he sits on his ass and looks around further. since it's late, there isn't a single person milling around as far as his eye can see and by looking up  at how dark the sky is, he guesses it's very, very late, and it won't do him any good to be caught by campus security shirtless in the middle of the night.

so, instead of taking the walk back home with very little clothing and at heaven knows what time, for fucks sake, he does the next most sensible thing and enters the dorm building he's in front of.

he shrugs at the doorman, who just lets him in with narrowed eyes and not much to say.

the most sensible thing that taekwoon can do, of course, is wake up eunkwang who lives there too.

"do i even want to know?" is all eunkwang has to say when he finds taekwoon outside his door, wearing nothing but his pajama pants, one hand bleeding and the other holding a pear.

"definitely, but you'll mock me for it and i'm tired."

eunkwang seems to deem that a fair enough of an answer and let's taekwoon inside.

"can i have that?" he points at the pear while taekwoon makes his way to the bathroom to wash his hand and feet.

"no."

after taking care of the bleeding, taekwoon lies down on a makeshift bed made of blankets on the floor eunkwang just made for him and eats his pear; his friend is already fast asleep on his own bed and minhyuk's snores serve as a backtrack to taekwoon's raging mind until he manages to fall asleep.

 

the next time taekwoon wakes up, it is just as weird, maybe more, even if he is sans a pear.

and, lee jaehwan is standing in front of him, in all of his bedheaded glory, plump lips parted in the picture perfect of shock, wearing only a comfortable looking shirt and boxers. jaehwan's eyes keep darting from taekwoon's face to his naked torso, up and down and then down again and lingering long enough for taekwoon to cross his arms and widen his eyes and then try to form words and come up short. they make quite a pair: one with a shirt and no pants and the other with pants but no shirt.

"are you here to talk?" jaehwan finally asks. he sounds like he had meant to sound at least accusing, but is far too drowsy for that and taekwoon's already panicked anyway so it isn't all that necessary.

taekwoon opens and closes his mouth another two times, a face like he's looking down at death itself and that he isn't ready to say his goodbyes just yet.

"i've been sleepwalking." is what he manages. "it's a side effect."

jaehwan bites his bottom lip, opening his door a fraction to reveal more of his room and that his roommate is now sitting up on the bed with their hair sticking up every direction and with puffy eyes squeezed at the light coming inside from the hallway.

"do you. uh. do you live in this building too? do you want to come in?"

"no i. i live just outside of campus."

"oh." jaehwan's eyes widen. "did you walk all the way here?"

"i did." he holds the hand he had hurt close to his stomach as it starts stinging again as if it just remembered it was supposed to be doing that. he sees jaehwan's roommate flop back on their bed and pull the covers until they can hide from the light under them. "but this isn't the best time?"

"seokjin doesn't mind." jaehwan looks inside. "do you, jin?"

seokjin flops a hand in the air.

taekwoon looks to the side, crossing his arms a bit lower so he can cover some of his stomach; the new position only makes his biceps bulge and thus jaehwan's attention is pulled elsewhere. though even with how frazzled jaehwan is, it seems he can tell taekwoon is uncomfortable from the set of his jaw and the way he keeps looking to the sides; he seems worried they might get caught or be disturbing someone or something along that.

"can we talk another time?" taekwoon asks. the tone he manages is so small that jaehwan has to move a bit closer to be able to hear him.

"i..." jaehwan's disappointed, taekwoon can tell. taekwoon is empty handed, but it's the middle of the night and jaehwan probably just got his hopes all bristled with his showing up like this. "sure." jaehwan nods.

taekwoon is obviously a private person and to talk they would need to be in a private setting, like this. taekwoon sees jaehwan's roommate move on the bed. so maybe not exactly like this. taekwoon hopes that it's obvious how cruel it would be to ask anything out of him right now. he doesn't want to talk if it's like this. he has a hard time talking, but under these conditions... he isn't wearing a shirt, it's the middle of the night and this is not the way it was supposed to go.

 

* * *

  

jaehwan tries not to look as disappointed as he feels when he gives taekwoon a smile and then closes the door on his blushed and beautiful face. his soulmate's eyes had been apologetic during the fraction of second he had dared to look up. jaehwan tried to put in that smile everything he wished he could have said. it was supposed convey that _i'm waiting for you, i don't know how to_ **_not_ ** _wait for you._

it's not as if jaehwan isn't feeling the pull, the need to be there, to give everything he is, that impossible to explain feeling of _readiness_ to take that whatever taekwoon is willing to give him.

jaehwan bumps his forehead against the door and breathes a big sigh. he's wide awake now and there's no way he'll manage to go back to sleep after what just happened.

"so." seokjin says from his bed. "your soulmate is an asshole."

jaehwan sighs heavily and it sounds way more dreamy than it should when taking into consideration how things have just gone down.

"i'm giving him space." jaehwan's voice is muffled from the door, so he turns to the bed with all his self-rightness, even if that's lost with seokjin not being able to see him in the dark. "it's only been a day, he'll come around."

"just make sure you talk to him soon, then." there's the sound of rustling sheets and jaehwan takes his tired bones to bed. "it's not good to neglect the calling."

 

* * *

  

 _calling._ taekwoon snorts. such a cute and stupid word. he holds tighter onto his pen while his professor goes on and on about this or that.

he's supposed to be taking notes, but it's getting harder and harder to focus with how much he's sweating. three days have already passed. taekwoon's skin now is clammy all the time and damp with sweat, his eyesight is blurry and his heart rate picks up every few minutes or so, never letting him rest easy. practice this morning was absolute shit because of it. he wants to get up from his seat so bad that he has to grind his teeth together just to keep himself from doing that. he knows that if he gives in, he'll just go into auto-pilot to find another goddamn fruit and go to lee jaehwan, no matter where he is.

taekwoon knows he'd go to the end of the fucking world just to find jaehwan, someone who he did not know well at all, as a matter of fact.

they had spoken once, briefly.

taekwoon had been very much sober in some stupid party that hakyeon had convinced him to attend. he didn't even remember why he had agreed to show up to a party being thrown by the _arts department_ and there taekwoon was, for everyone's horror, a business major, forward of the university's soccer team, no less. he had never stood out more in all of his 23 well lived years. not only by contrast, but in height too.

he had been in the kitchen, trying to find something to drink, but apparently they had already run out of beer, somehow? and taekwoon wasn't very well in the mood to go straight into hard liquor, when hakyeon had entered the kitchen in a flurry of graceful unbalance and one of his _precious haze babies_ under his arm. he had taken at least three every september since their junior year and they continued to be their babies even after hazing week was over. this one was no different. taekwoon remembered vaguely meeting him with a far worse haircut than the one he currently had and that look of panic that only true freshmen could ever have—those who had no idea what they had gotten themselves into with hazing, until it was too late.

he remembered that bad hair and the nose from last year's hazing week. the kid had better hair now and had maybe grown into his nose a little? he had better clothes too. taekwoon has no other memory of it though, only of jaehwan's face, like a blur. he was pretty sure that was right before he had been persuaded to do a keg stand so it makes sense that he can't recall much else after that.

"taek, my dear!" hakyeon screeched the moment he saw taekwoon trying to duck away from him unnoticed. "why are you not drinking!?"

taekwoon flinched at the sheer loudness of hakyeon's presence alone. "they ran out of beer."

taekwoon is denying this to himself, of course, but he can remember without any problem the way that hakyeon had laughed, pretty much out of it, but the way  jaehwan had made a cute thinking expression, his eyebrows furrowed and mouth pursed as if getting words out was something very difficult whilst so intoxicated. all of taekwoon's attention had been single-handedly stolen, just like that. "i think that there's a few kegs outside."

"right, thanks."

and like the true weirdo he is, taekwoon nodded and took the hell out of that kitchen. the rest of the night had been a blur after taekwoon had gotten hammered out of his mind and had no recollection of how he had gotten back home.

 

so, they know each other, have met twice, to be precise, even if taekwoon has barely any recollection of the first time, during hazing week. so it makes little sense to him why it took him until a third meeting to fucking look at lee jaehwan and get the sudden urge to give him whatever he had wanted to in that moment. the pear. something he was quite desperate to acquire and gift in that fated moment.

taekwoon squirms on his seat and tries to focus on whatever it is that the lecture is about.

"hey man, you good?" yongguk leans closer to his seat to ask in a low whisper.

right, if bang yongguk is in there with him then it's probably his political science class.

taekwoon runs his palm over his damp forehead and nods instead of saying anything. he _can_ get through this, he only has to sit tight for another— he checks the time on his phone and then feels like death — for another half an hour. thirty minutes. guess he can't make it after all. his head feels like it's buzzing with white noise, he can't get a single thought straight.

yongguk is saying something else to him, but he can't register it.

 

everything's a blur and taekwoon is vaguely aware that he starts moving. afterwards, when he asked yongguk what had happened, he heard that he had simply gotten up, without picking up his things or saying a single word, and stepped out of the room. the professor apparently had tried to ask him if something was wrong, but he had just kept going, without sparing a glance back.

the professor had been good-natured about it, saying it had been a long time since he had last seen someone take such single-minded action and that it was nice to see one of his students going after their soulmate.

everyone thought it was cute that taekwoon had lost complete control over his own body and was walking like what could only be compared to sleepwalking. it was dangerous. luck had it that yongguk took all of their things and ran after taekwoon to make sure that he'd be ok.

next time taekwoon regains consciousness, he's being held by his team captain, just outside the convenience store closest to campus.

"do you want me to take you to the market? there's probably—"

yongguk cuts himself off when taekwoon gasps as if coming from underwater. though by all comparisons that's what it does feels like.

yongguk is very chill and nice about it, saying that it isn't any trouble, that taekwoon can say thanks by sharing notes that the professor will for sure offer him without any trouble seeing that it hadn't been taekwoon's conscious choice to step out like that in the middle of class.

it's terrifying.

just. losing complete control of your own body and not having any clear idea what he's doing while he's out of it? that's one of the scariest things taekwoon has ever felt. he sits down on the curb, puts his face on his hands and struggles to keep the tears in.

"hey," yongguk sits next to him, placing his hand on taekwoon's shoulder. "hey, it's alright, most people go through this! your soulmate must be super close by, you'll find them soon."

that just makes taekwoon's hiccuping get worse. the tears start to spill out out his eyes like waterfalls and he retracts to himself as much as he can. he can tell that yongguk is alarmed next to him. people are supposed to be happy when they find their soulmates. it's supposed to be this beautiful thing to be able to encounter someone that was picked by the universe just for you. everything is supposed to be flawless like in those television ads and how the movies and books portrayed it. there are thousands of songs talking about the _rightness_ of the whole thing. taekwoon just feels like a big stupid fuck.

"i'm— i'm sorry. are you in love with someone already? that was insensitive of me. how can i help you?"

taekwoon shakes his head. "i know where my soulmate is, i just don't want to acknowledge him."

yongguk gasps. "is he someone bad?"

taekwoon uncovers his face, rubbing his fists over his eyes and then rubbing his nose with a sniff. "he's probably nice enough, we have friends in common."

taekwoon looks up at yongguk, and from the look on his captain's face, he knows he probably looks like a complete mess. or it could also be because of the total nonsense that taekwoon is spluttering. he's well aware that he isn't dealing with this the way he is supposed to.

"do you want to talk about it?" yongguk asks gently, moving closer until their shoulders touch.

it's very very awkward to have yongguk consoling him like this. he's a really good team captain and gives awesome pre-game speeches and pointers and taekwoon knows that yongguk is thoughtful and smart from the things that he has said in class. he's also somewhat somber and has a very no nonsense attitude; taekwoon knows all of this and has always held him in high regards because of it. he isn't, however, sure if he's grateful that it's yongguk next to him or if he's even more mortified because it's him. he values yongguk's opinion of him. his rep is ruined now, he's sure.

"i just. i don't know what to do."

"have you tried talking to him?"

"it's too much." taekwoon whispers, shaking his head with shame, but yongguk simply nods and makes an understanding noise.

"do you want me to walk you home?" yongguk suggests. "i can hold you back if you want, if you get any more urges. you should get to take your time with this."

taekwoon sniffs again, feeling so grateful and embarrassed that he can only nod. he wishes he could say no, but he's weak and just honestly scared right now.

yongguk helps him up and walks him to his apartment with his hand on his shoulder. in moments likes this, it's pretty evident how much of a good team captain yongguk really is. they aren't far from his building and yongguk even walks him upstairs and stays around a bit talking to one of taekwoon's flatmates once they get there—yongguk and himchan go way back.

 

"what's with you anyway?" himchan peers at taekwoon flopped on his bed once yongguk has left.

taekwoon groans and covers his face with his pillow. he left his bedroom's door open, because he hadn't wanted to be closed off while feeling so shitty, but he also still hasn't told what's going down to himchan. not that he doesn't trust himchan or as if they aren't friends or anything. it's just… he knows what himchan is going to say. he's going to call taekwoon dense and taekwoon isn't sure if he's ready to hear it.

taekwoon keeps the pillow over his head and tries to breathe as little as possible. maybe his best friend will forget he's there if he plays dead long enough.

"yah." himchan nudges taekwoon's leg with his foot after a long moment. "why are you here trying to suffocate yourself instead of in your lecture?"

taekwoon pushes the pillow away with a sigh big enough to hurt a little. he can feel the heat on his face and knows himchan is never going to let this go after seeing the pink on his cheeks.

"i got the calling during orientation three days ago but panicked and took the gift back." taekwoon says it all in a rush. like pulling a band-aid.

"The Calling?" himchan asks, and taekwoon can pretty much hear the capital letters. he nods, hugging the pillow tighter to his chest. "who is it? do i know them?"

taekwoon turns his back to his roommate, choosing to face the wall instead, and whispers: "it's lee jaehwan."

he hopes, to whatever is out there, that himchan hasn't listened. that he'll let it go so all of this can go away.

"theater major lee jaehwan?" himchan asks in disbelief. "hakyeon's hazing baby lee jaehwan?" taekwoon curls into a tight ball of limbs, eyes squeezed shut. "and you took the Gift out of his hands after _giving it to him?"_

"yeah," jaehwan croaks.

"taekwoonie." himchan sits down next to taekwoon on his bed, putting his hand on taekwoon's shoulder. "woonie, my man, why are you like this?"

taekwoon snorts, or whines, he isn't sure himself, and shake his shoulder so himchan will let go, but that only makes him hold tighter. "you don't know how it is."

 _that_ makes himchan let go.

"no, i don't." himchan sits back and taekwoon feels a sudden wave of guilt.

it isn't guilt over how this whole thing must feel like to jaehwan, no, he can't let himself think about that quite yet, but he sits up and looks into himchan's eyes. he feels guilt over complaining about something that so many people dream about. boo hoo, poor little spoiled brat, complaining about how hard it is to be forced to meet the person who was cosmically made just for him.

taekwoon pouts at himchan.

the cosmos _can_ get it wrong. he's sure he'll be the living proof of it. c'mon, _lee jaehwan?_ star of the drama club, musical theater major, lee jaehwan? _his_ soulmate? of this jung taekwoon who has a soccer scholarship but doesn't really want to be a pro soccer player? this jung taekwoon who is such a boring business major, for christ's sake?

"will you tell me how it is?"

taekwoon also does not deserve having kim himchan as a friend.

taekwoon sighs. he's feeling dumber by the second and he hates it. "it's just bizarre. i've never talked to him before and _we're meant to be?"_

himchan makes a tsk sound. "you know not all soulmates are romantic."

"i do. it's—" taekwoon flops back on the bed and puts his head on himchan's lap, who promptly starts petting his hair.

"you're scared."

himchan's leg is a nice pillow. he's a music major and doesn't work out all that much so he's nice and soft. not like, soft soft, he really likes running and goes with taekwoon sometimes, but his thighs aren't solid muscle like taekwoon's so they're a still a nice, comfortable place to rest on. taekwoon is grateful for himchan's thighs. taekwoon pokes himchan's knee through the hole on his pants.

"i'm not a coward," taekwoon whispers.

"it is a scary situation, woon. it's normal to want to avoid it."

the hole on himchan's pant leg isn't as big as of some people around campus but they are still wide enough for taekwoon to put his fingers through it and poke himchan's pale knee. knees are so funny looking, taekwoon always thought.

"hey, do you want to go for a run tomorrow morning?"

himchan stops petting taekwoon's hair and pulls taekwoon's hand away from his knee. "i know socializing is hard for you, and there's nothing wrong with that, but have you thought of how this must feel for jaehwan?"

taekwoon turns around and buries his whole face on himchan's belly. it's a good belly. himchan isn't too muscular or too chubby, it's just the perfect shape and size to—

"taekwoon." himchan pulls taekwoon's shoulder until he's face up and cups his cheek. "c'mon, man, use your words, i'm here for you, yeah?—" he squeezes taekwoon's cheeks until his lips jut out. "—but if you're only scared of this not working out then i gotta tell you to stop being dense."

"i'm not being dense," taekwoon says. or rather tries to; all that comes out is a grunt with how himchan is squeezing his cheeks. he pushes himchan's hands away and rubs his face. "the cosmos are probably wrong."

himchan snorts and shoves taekwoon towards the wall until there's enough room for him to lay down too and he does so. "listen, no one _really_ knows how this works, but it's still the best straightforward shot at happiness and companionship any of us can hope to have. not everyone meets their soulmate. stop being reticent and go make a new friend."

himchan gives great speeches when he's in the mood for them, which isn't always. taekwoon stares at the cream colored ceiling of their small dorm for a long, nondescript moment.

"he's one of hakyeon's juniors," taekwoon says, for some reason.

"so. that means there's a better chance of him being a good person."

"he'll deck me on the face."

taekwoon can physically feel himchan's smile, even if he isn't seeing it. "there's a bigger chance of that too. plus, you deserve it."

"i do."

they're quiet for another moment. himchan is a nice, solid presence next to taekwoon, but he can't get comfortable, he still feels like he needs to tear out of his own skin. he probably is visibly uncomfortable, too, because soon himchan asks:

"do you feel the tug right now?" taekwoon nods. "how does it feel like?"

"like a fish hook on my belly button. like i need to pee."

"...pee?"

"yeah, it's on my mind and keeps getting worse."

"so…" himchan takes a big pause and taekwoon already knows what his best friend is going to say. "do you want to do something about it?"

taekwoon sighs. "yeah."

 

* * *

 

 

"no, i'm not going to _do something about it_ ." jaehwan scoffs, shoving his books inside his bag with more fervor than what is arguably necessary. "it's only been _three days."_

"fine, damn, pretend i never asked." daehyun raises his hands in surrender. "you don't have to take it out on me."

jaehwan rolls his eyes, shouldering his bag, and daehyun follows him out of their classroom.

"i just still can't believe jin told everyone, we're not even taking any classes together this semester."

"don't give seokjin so much credit; some of us did see taekwoon-hyung give you whatever that was, take it back, then run away like you burned him."

"it was a pear. fuck, he looked so mortified. do you think he was ashamed of me?"

"yeah, right,"daehyun holds the door for jaehwan and a pack of students to step out of the building with them, and then rushes to catch up with jaehwan going down the stairs. "i'm _sure_ jung taekwoon is a raging homophobic, specially after he was still dating his high school boyfriend for a whole semester after he started here."

"jesus, dae, you're even a worse gossip than me."

jaehwan rolls his eyes and to that daehyun shrugs, "thanks, i try."

they reach the patch of trees and grass just in front of the performing arts building and jaehwan put his messenger bag down and at once lies down and puts his head on top of it. daehyun sits down next to him on the grass and promptly pulls jaehwan's head to his lap. that hadn't been what jaehwan meant by that question. he does remember the rumor mill working just fine during the first and only soccer game that taekwoon's boyfriend had come watch; he was hot, people talked. jaehwan presses his face on daehyun's thigh.

"hey," daehyun says in a softer tone than before. "how are you doing, really?"

for a second jaehwan looks on the verge of tears and daehyun cards his fingers through his best friend's hair until he clears his throat and talks.

"it feels… i— i know, rationally speaking, that taekwoon-sunbae must be going through something, but…" he put his hands under his chin and fixes his gaze somewhere off. "it's hard. there's this part of me that just feels like i'm not good enough for him. i'm supposed to accept, with open heart and open arms, whatever he's willing to give me and—i know it in my bones that he is it for me, but he doesn't want me? what can i do? how am i supposed to show him that i'm the one for him, too? what if somehow _i'm not_ good enough for him?"

daehyun puts the pad of his finger on the tip of jaehwan's nose once his words fade out and drags his finger upwards to jaehwan's brow bone and then swipes it to the side, brushing his eyebrow. he repeats the motion slowly, again and again.

jaehwan breathes in and out steadily, closing his eyes for a moment. he has always been soothed by touch and daehyun knows it. they've been friends from orientation day forward and by now it feels as if he's known daehyun for as long as he knows jin, which is all their lives.

"did you let it all out?" daehyun asks in his softest tone and jaehwan nods. "good. now, i'm going to ask you again: what are you gonna do about this?"

jaehwan sniffs a little wet sound. daehyun pets his hair some more.

"i'm gonna do something about it. i need to talk to him."

 

* * *

 

 

taekwoon knows that, in physical terms alone, maybe, he's probably suffering more than lee jaehwan.

from everything he's learned over the years — and not because he spent one whole night awake very recently looking this shit up — the gifter is the one to feel the brunt of the pull. the gifted usually feel this sort of insta-love, some people call it, sort of like imprinting with their soulmate; one look and they're ready to accept them. that, as anything in the world is bound to, has its flaws and failures, but it is more or less how it always goes. the gifter goes crazy looking for their soulmate, while the gifted wait and get ready to build their life together.

one must do the looking, while the other gets things ready.

so, like, lee jaehwan most likely isn't feeling the cold sweats and the tugging on his belly button (why the belly button, just why), but one thing that's making taekwoon feel even worse, is thinking how jaehwan must be _feeling._ is he feeling guilty? or inadequate? did it hurt seeing taekwoon walk away twice now?

taekwoon hasn't slept in two nights, he skipped class altogether today and hasn't gone out at all since yongguk walked him home. himchan isn't saying anything just yet, but taekwoon said he'd do something, so when he starts to feel the tug worsen again, he gets up and walks out. he's at least wearing a shirt this time and manages to put shoes on before stepping out, so it's improvement.

when he steps out of his building, though, he stops. not because he wants to, but because the tug just isn't tugging anymore, and he looks around and there is lee jaehwan, with his hair resting softly on his forehead and wide eyes. that really is such a good haircut.

"hi," taekwoon croaks, coming to a stop in front of jaehwan. "did you come here for me?"

jaehwan nods. "taekwoon-sunbae—"

"ah." taekwoon cuts him, hand flying to rub his nape. "don't use honorifics, it feels weird."

jaehwan nods, "same goes." he looks to his feet then, like his courage has left him and taekwoon feels like slapping himself for interrupting.

"you were saying?"

"uhm, i just wanted to talk? there's nothing specific i just. it was driving me a bit crazy to just sit and wait, that's not how i usually am. can we?" jaehwan raises his eyes briefly. "talk, i mean."

"i was on my way to you," taekwoon murmurs and nods. it's weird, seeing jaehwan quiets it some already, even if he still feels like pulling a pear out of his own ass if it's what it takes. he doesn't want to have to do that, though.

jaehwan cheek are dusted with a lovely pink and he bites his top lip in thought for a moment, before saying: "what will it take?"

"what?"

"what will it take for you to accept me, too?"

taekwoon is stunned. _what will it take for you to accept me, too?_

lee jaehwan already wants him. taekwoon knows jaehwan is somewhat supposed to, but. it's a thrill to hear it in certain terms and it's also so, so much scarier. _he wants taekwoon._ they don't know each other at all. none of it makes sense.

he thinks it through.

"we could…" he trails off, looking at his own feet. he never got to put any socks on his rush out. it's uncomfortable with his soccer shoes. "hi," he bows ninety degrees and then looks straight at jaehwan's eyes. "i'm jung taekwoon, i'm 22 this year and i have a soccer scholarship as a business administration major. i have three older sisters and my parents own a jajangmyeon restaurant."

jaehwan looks both stunned and delighted at his words. it's so far the longest sentence he's ever gotten from taekwoon. he smiles from ear to ear.

it's a good look, taekwoon notices.

"hi," he bows too, just as deeply. "i'm lee jaehwan, i'm 20, and i'm a musical theater major. i have two older brothers, my dad is a heart surgeon and my mom is a lawyer."

"intimidating." taekwoon mutters under his breath, but apparently it wasn't quiet enough, because jaehwan snorts and shakes his head, still smiling.

"they would love you."

taekwoon's heart skips what feels like a couple of beats, but he does appreciate that jaehwan didn't say _the will_ or some other more immediate term.

"wanna sit down?" taekwoon points at the couch just inside the lobby of his building, instead of letting his nerves slip out.

for taekwoon it feels too soon to ask jaehwan into his apartment, but it's… a start. jaehyun can tell that, suddenly, taekwoon is trying really hard for him. his heart could burst.

"sure, it's cold," is what jaehwan says. like it's not a big deal.

they go inside and sit side by side on the old but comfortable couch. jaehwan kicks his shoes off and hugs his legs and, after a moment, taekwoon does the same.

"what freaked you out that first day?" jaehwan asks, resting his chin on his knee. "was it because it was me?"

taekwoon takes a sharp intake of air. jaehwan's going straight for the jugular, it seems. it in't surprising at all. taekwoon sighs softly, feeling the guilt so, so heavy in his belly.

"it wasn't." he barely moves his lips to speak, jaehwan has to move closer to hear him. "i had never thought much about soulmates... it was—kind of terrifying." jaehwan nods like this is something that makes sense to him and it has taekwoon feeling both understood and guiltier. "i'm nothing like you hoped." taekwoon flinches at his own sincerity. "sorry."

jaehwan tucks his lips in, looking anywhere but at taekwoon's face for a moment.

"i'm not going to lie to you, this isn't going how i hoped at all." taekwoon knew that truth was coming, but he still hugs his legs closer. "but now i also know that the things that i hoped for weren't realistic." jaehwan folds his legs down and put his hands on his lap, eyes intense on taekwoon's. "i'm sorry too, you know. not to you or to myself, i don't know how to put into words— but i'm sorry that we grow up with so many unrealistic expectations that we end up this unprepared for things."

taekwoon opens his mouth, he's not sure what for. but that' it, isn't it? he doesn't feel prepared to start his future, whatever that means. jaehwan is sat before him, looking like the rest of his life personified and that's scary. it scares him more than anything else ever did before. taekwoon doesn't say anything else, and after waiting patiently for a moment, jaehwan keeps going.

"i'm terrified too. but, i don't know, sunbae, just looking at your face feels so good. is it okay if we try?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so you've reached the end, uh? thank you and congratulations, this fic is a mess... most of it is already written and the plot is also mostly sorted out. i'll update the tags with the next update, but i'll be honest with you, i might change my mind along the way. but i do promise the ending will be a happy one.
> 
> let me know your thoughts!


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> jaehwan watches himself smile on the mirror, feels the giddiness start on his chest and spread to the rest of his body. what the fuck? he can't wait to get this right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i miss btob hyung line a lot and i'm scared for what it'll feel like when it's vixx' turn (and all my other 90z kpop boys), so here's my loudass i love vixx!

 

 

 

taekwoon sits up straighter, his heart racing.

he can feel himself gaping, skin overheated and the way that his hands are already clammy with sweat. jaehwan, however, sits in front of him the picture perfect of patience and understanding. it's almost unnerving, the way he's clearly waiting for taekwoon to be done with whatever freaking out he has going on in his head.

"just," taekwoon finally says. "what kind of _try_ do you mean?"

jaehwan tilts his head to the side. "i don't know. i was hoping we could figure out together."

"not all soulmates are romantic." taekwoon tells him.

why did he say that? _why the fucking hell did taekwoon say that?_

"i know." jaehwan says slowly, the way you would say that to a child. "and right now that's not what i'm worried about. i just wanna figure out a way to have you in my life. if that's alright with you."

taekwoon feels distinctly like he's having a heart attack. and it must show on his face, too, because jaehwan _smiles._ it isn't the type of smile that taekwoon is used to have directed at him; jaehwan's teeth are in full display and his _eyes._ christ, taekwoon has never seen anyone's eyes do something quite like that during a smile. they're crescent moon shaped and there are crinkles at their corners because of it that make his eyes look like they have little wings.

"that's okay." taekwoon splutters. "yeah, that's. we can do that."

jaehwan is still smiling when he nods and claps his hands in delight. in that moment, with his heart still racing, taekwoon is already starting to understand what jaehwan had meant a minute ago when he said that just looking at taekwoon's face made him feel good. taekwoon can't remember ever feeling like this while looking at someone.

 

* * *

 

taekwoon leans over the counter and bumps his head on it a couple of times, trying not to be loud when all he wants to do is scream. he would be screaming, for sure, if he weren't at the library. then he looks up in time to see eunkwang cover his face and snicker, as if trying to hide his dumb gigantic grin would keep taekwoon from hearing his equally stupid laughs.

"just until when are you going to laugh at me for this?"

eunkwang uncovers his face and has the decency to look ashamed. "i'm sorry, taekwoonie, i just never thought i'd ever see that look on your face when you talk about someone."

taekwoon's entire face closes off at that. he physically feels himself hate eunkwang that little further. _"what_ look?"

he had just been telling his "friend" about how he and jaehwan had spent most of the night talking, how he had watched jaehwan go, when it was just shy of morning, already feeling a tug in his chest. he isn't feeling so bad today, except bone tired, but that isn't the problem. he doesn't want to think things through further, but alas he was telling eunkwang and putting himself through this shit show for unknown reasons.

"when you were telling me about jaehwan-ssi you had the same look you used to only have when running across the field towards the goal."

taekwoon grimaces, bottom lip jutting out. "what's that supposed to mean?"

eunkwang only smiles this time, putting his chin on his hand to look at taekwoon across the library's front desk, "i can't wait for you to figure this one out."

unhelpful miniature bastard.

taekwoon karate chops eunkwang's neck and clicks his tongue. "i should be talking about this to himchanie, you're a shit."

"you only like himchan the most because he babies you."

"untrue and uncalled for." eunkwang laughs and taekwoon sticks his tongue out at him. "menace."

"make sure to keep me informed."

"as if." taekwoon rasps his knuckles against the desk twice. "bye, kwang."

 

* * *

 

taekwoon runs a shaky hand through his hair, then sips some of his milkshake. he wanted to get himself some coffee, but he's jittery enough as is. he woke up feeling like this, like he wants to waltz out of his own skin and serve his heart to jaehwan on a silver platter. along with a pear, of course. instead, he texted jaehwan and asked to meet him after he's done with his class.

things are getting weirder.

taekwoon is pretty sure that he can pinpoint jaehwan's exact location no matter where he is by now. he knows jaehwan is in class because he knows jaehwan's inside the performing arts building but he _doesn't know how he knows that._ he's trying not to think about it too much. he's trying to drink his milkshake instead.

he's sat outside the coffee shop on the south side of campus, getting a damn clear view of the direction jaehwan is going to come from when he finally gets out of class.

it's been a week since they started getting to know each other and they've figured that if taekwoon sees jaehwan every twenty-four hours then he doesn't feel sick. except that taekwoon saw jaehwan at eight this morning and it's barely past 3pm and taekwoon already feels like he could puke all his insides.

_don't think such drastic thoughts, jaehwan will be over any minute now. deep breaths._

then taekwoon perks up in his seat because he _is_ coming. taekwoon feels jaehwan coming towards him and it's almost like he can feel a line connecting them and that he's pulling jaehwan closer with as much strength as he can. then five minutes later jaehwan gets there, when it should be a ten minute walk from the performing arts building. he's out of breath too, his eyes wide when he walks to taekwoon's table. the first thing he says is:

"what the hell was that?"

taekwoon sits on top of his hands so he doesn't reach for jaehwan and tries to look as innocent as possible.

"what was what?"

jaehwan sits across from taekwoon, puts his bag on a free chair, and places his hands on top of the table, palms up. taekwoon doesn't even register getting his hands from under his ass and intertwining their fingers.

he gets rewarded for it instantly. the moment they touch, taekwoon feels a relief big enough to drown all his anxiety and nausea. he hums, feeling content, but jaehwan is still grimacing, even though he squeezes taekwoon's hands pleasantly.

"did you somehow pull me here?" he asks.

"what? how would i do that?"

"i don't know." jaehwan starts rubbing circles on the back of taekwoon's hand with his thumb, the way he's been doing every time they hold hands for this. "the class wasn't even over and i started feeling this— tug? like i knew where you were and had to get there as soon as possible."

"but you did know where i was."

taekwoon isn't paying attention. he has this small blissed out smile he always gets when he sees jaehwan after a long day and, as flattering as this particular development has been for jaehwan, he wants taekwoon to listen to him right now. he squeezes taekwoon's hands tighter and that makes him look at him.

"i felt it like from my stomach? is that what you feel when you wanna find me?"

that seems to snap taekwoon out of his stupor. "you felt a tug on your belly button?" jaehwan nods. "i thought only one of the pair was supposed to feel the pull."

jaehwan presses his lips together and thinks for a moment. "there isn't any record of soulmates holding out the way we're doing, maybe this is just something people never found out?"

taekwoon looks equal parts ashamed and incredulous. "there's no way no one ever did this."

jaehwan shrugs. "why would someone not want to be with their soulmate?"

and the moment jaehwan says it, he regrets it.

taekwoon let's go of his hands, and he doesn't look happy at all. "many reasons. just because it's your soulmate it doesn't mean they aren't a bad fit or a bad person, even."

jaehwan bristles. he knows (he hopes) that taekwoon doesn't think he's a bad person. he does know, though, that he's yet to prove that they _are_ a good fit. there hasn't been enough time yet, he's gotta admit it. they're just starting to get to know each other. but. it's unnerving. there's no way taekwoon doesn't feel it too.

jaehwan sits back on his chair and sighs. if he keeps saying the wrong thing like this taekwoon is never going to believe they're better together.

taekwoon is looking at him. his eyebrows are furrowed and he's looking at jaehwan the way someone would look at a puzzle and there's these moments that jaehwan wants to just go and say that they can just be friends, for taekwoon to give him a damned pear and they can see each other every couple of days and that it'll be fine, but. jaehwan really can't get himself to do it. sometimes he wants to just not have to feel like he has to prove himself to win this person over because it's scary and hard, but he can't give up. he also doesn't know if he ever could anyway, because, damn. even when taekwoon looks at him like this, like he's goddamn stressed, jaehwan wants him to never stop looking.

taekwoon has been watching him like this for days now. his eyebrows furrowed and biting his inner cheek. he'll put his hands together and pick at his cuticles seemingly unaware while he looks and thinks. jaehwan notices every single small detail about him. and he wants more.

"did you want to see me or did you _have_ to see me?" jaehwan finally asks.

taekwoon relaxes his expression but looks down at his fingers instead. "had to. don't know why, we just saw each other before class."

"maybe the refractory period gets shorter with time?" jaehwan muses. "sorry."

"not your fault."

jaehwan presses his lips together and avoids looking at taekwoon. he does feels guilty, even though it might not be his fault. he closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. it's not his fault. it just isn't. he's not making it worse by _wanting_ to see taekwoon. he's not making it worse by thinking about his soulmate all day. it can't be how this works.

jaehwan opens his eyes.

taekwoon is taking a sip of his drink. he's almost pouting, straw between his cute little lips. jaehwan looks away. there's no such thing as wanting your soulmate too much, right? there can't be.

"do you think you could see me twice a day?" taekwoon asks after a while. "at 8am and then 5pm or whenever we're done with classes."

and jaehwan has been trying not to sound too eager, but he does says "yes" a little too fast.

 

* * *

 

another week goes past and taekwoon starts needing jaehwan thrice a day. now they meet up before class, for lunch and for dinner. jaehwan feels it too. it's the weirdest, most exhilarating thing that he's ever felt. he _knows_ where taekwoon is, like his general location, and then, the closest they're together, he can pinpoint him almost exactly.

they're meeting up for lunch and jaehwan's class is dismissed early. he walks out and closes his eyes for a moment and he _knows_ where taekwoon is. so, instead of messaging him, he just goes to meet him. he's not far, so it's easy to pinpoint his location. taekwoon is sitting on a bench outside where he had an early lecture, working on an exercise sheet over a bound book. jaehwan stops and watches.

taekwoon is tall, with long, long legs and hair due for a haircut maybe a month ago. jaehwan's heart starts racing and he closes his eyes to enjoy it. it's… jaehwan is a romantic. he has dreamed about finding his soulmate all his life. someone who would be perfect for him and that would never let him go.

the thing is, people get tired of jaehwan. he's loud and energetic and kind of high maintenance sometimes, so he's had boyfriends, girlfriends, and even friends, who got tired of him over time. he likes to think that he's dealt with it with enough grace and that it doesn't affect him anymore, but…

he looks at taekwoon in the distance and sighs a dreamy sigh. taekwoon is going to be by his side forever. it's totally intense and terrifying, it sure is, but also— it's comforting. this person is someone jaehwan is going to learn to be with and cherish and they have all the time in the world for it.

taekwoon looks up and sees him. he doesn't smile the way jaehwan does, but the corners of his mouth go up and he waves and in taekwoon's vocabulary, jaehwan is learning, that means a lot.

jaehwan walks up to taekwoon and sits down next to him, pressing their shoulders together.

taekwoon hums in content. "you're early." and jaehwan shrugs.

"whatcha working on?"

"it's calc."

jaehwan shudders. "i'm so glad i don't need that anymore." and he feels that taekwoon is amused.

he's not sure if he can pick up taekwoon's moods easily like this now because he's learning to read him better or if this is something special. this whole thing feels pretty damn special. jaehwan gets his phone out and opens superstar sm.

"we can go after you're done with homework, nerd."

taekwoon snorts. "this is due this afternoon."

jaehwan turns to look at taekwoon closer, pokes his cheek. "don't tell me you're all muscle and no brains, i need you to be the smart one."

taekwoon keeps scribbling, but nips jaehwan's finger with sharp teeth. it happens fast. it's a flash of teeth and he doesn't squeeze too hard and his eyes never even leave his work sheet. jaehwan pulls his hand away and cradles it close to his chest, after the most undignified yelp.

"you bit me!" taekwoon keeps working. "you feral cat!" that only makes taekwoon snort. "unbelievable."

jaehwan turns back to his phone, finally starting up his game. it takes him a few moments to focus on it like he should, though, he can't do it while his heart is racing.

 

 

 

"i'm done."

"just a sec." jaehwan is about to break his record. more importantly, he's not only about to beat his record and get first place on the weekly ranking, but even better, he's about to absolutely obliterate hongbin's score of shinee's ring ding dong on _hard mode._

"now you want me to wait?" taekwoon puts his — very pointy— chin on jaehwan's shoulder. "c'mooon, let's gooooo."

jaehwan's fucks it up and misses a note. he immediately closes the game; there's no point even completing the song after losing all his extra points. so he takes a deep breath. "listen, taekwoon, it's not just because i—" he turns to look at taekwoon and he's _right there._ taekwoon is right there, the closest he's ever been and jaehwan damn near said he loved him. "it's not just because you're my soulmate that you get to ruin my streak." is what he says, lamely.

taekwoon sticks his tongue out and gets up, shouldering his bag and offering jaehwan a hand. jaehwan takes his hand and jumps up, pretending like his heart isn't racing and that he doesn't want to cry.

there's no way that he's already in love with taekwoon. he wants to be in love with him and _be_ with him, but he wants them to be in it together. taekwoon is not in love with him, jaehwan isn't even sure taekwoon _likes him_ yet.

this is bad.

it takes jaehwan everything he's got not to burst into tears right there. taekwoon is just walking next to him, not looking up, and they're making their way to the campus food court like normal. like jaehwan isn't on the verge of a panic attack.

what if taekwoon never loves him? what if jaehwan is forever left pining for his soulmate? what if even with a soulmate, jaehwan is alone and unloved? unlovable. _oh my god,_  he thinks, he can't even get his soulmate to love him. everything is happening too fast, he's not sure where all this turmoil is even coming from.

jaehwan's hand flies to his head and he squeezes his eyes shut. he's not going to cry. he is not going to cry. he wants this. this is what he's always dreamed of and it's going to work out just _fine._ it has to.

"jaehwan? hey, what's wrong?" taekwoon is holding his arm and jaehwan takes a deep breath. he is _not_ going to cry.

he breathes in and out slowly and then opens his eyes when he's sure that the tears are gone. taekwoon is in front of him, holding him by both arms and he looks so worried, his eyebrows are gone under his bangs and his eyes are wide, scanning jaehwan's face frantically.

taekwoon is so lovely.

"what is it?" he asks.

"headache," jaehwan manages to lie, feeling one big fat tear roll down his face.

pathetic.

 

* * *

 

jaehwan puts a spoonful of ice cream into his mouth and lets it melt on his tongue, eyes lost somewhere up in the clouds lazily dragging across the sky. his mind is as up in the air as his gaze, thinking things through here and there.

"hey, sunbae?"

taekwoon hums as an answer, without removing his eyes from the textbook he's reading. jaehwan knows that he's listening though because he mindlessly starts tapping his highlighter pen onto jaehwan's hand resting near his knee.

taekwoon has been reading for half an hour already and jaehwan has left and come back with an ice cream in the meantime. he honestly doesn't mind, it's surprisingly comfortable how they can just sit together now for long periods of time without the need to fill the silence with conversation without it being awkward.

jaehwan knows that he more or less has taekwoon's attention, still he hesitates. not for being scared to talk, but because he doesn't really want to disturb his sunbae's studying. taekwoon continues to tap his pen onto jaehwan's hand, eyes still glued to his book. then the tapping starts slowing down and taekwoon looks up from his reading, raising his eyebrows at jaehwan.

"sorry, i don't mean to disturb you."

taekwoon looks back at his book again for a moment and then closes it, turning his attention to jaehwan. "it's alright, i got a good head start on it already. what's up?"

jaehwan presses his lips together, wondering if he should really ask it, now that taekwoon's attention is so intense on him; but it's what ends up making him keep going, too.

"i was just wondering— how did you think your soulmate would be like?

it's a dangerous question. jaehwan genuinely wants to hear about taekwoon's perspective on this, wants to know what he's always wanted and hoped for. it's dangerous because he most certainly will hear something he won't like. feeling inadequate is almost a given when it comes to jaehwan. he trusts he's used to it enough to handle this well.

taekwoon furrows his eyebrows, putting his book away. "i always tried not to think about it too much."

"why?"

"i dated and was in love with for a very long time with someone i knew as a kid and we knew we weren't fated."

"oh. i'm sorry. is that what went wrong?"

"not really. he's older and goes to school somewhere far. it wasn't working anymore."

"sorry."

taekwoon grimaces. "stop saying sorry, it was a while ago already." he fidgets a bit in place, biting his lip. "i never wanted to meet my soulmate, i guess."

"oh." jaehwan puts the cup of ice cream on the grass. it's all melted now. his eyes go out of focus for a moment while he processes what he just heard. taekwoon is very different from jaehwan, yes, but it surely doesn't make it impossible for them to understand each other. "i always felt like i was missing out, always wanted mine— you. it was like i always felt your absence? i used to dream about meeting my fated as soon as possible, so we could start our life together already, be happy together."

taekwoon smiles a little and it takes out a huge weight off jaehwan's shoulders. "that's sweet."

"did you… did you hope for a platonic soulmate?"

taekwoon presses his lips together, he looks mildly uncomfortable, and as much as jaehwan doesn't want to make him feel that way, he just _really_ wants to know.

"it always sounded better," he finally says. "the companionship sounded nice, but i never liked the finality of it, the duty."

jaehwan gapes.

"you don't owe me anything! as much as i want us to— you're not obligated to anything!" he fumbles with his words, making wide gestures. "i'd never want you to… unwillingly is not—"

"i know." taekwoon interrupts, taking hold of jaehwan's hands. "i didn't feel like i needed that, though." and taekwoon says it softly, but it feels like a punch to jaehwan's gut all the same. "i'm glad i found you; but i wasn't looking."

jaehwan's breath gets caught in his throat. "i get that. i'm so happy you found me."

jaehwan smiles. he holds taekwoon's hands tightly and smiles because— this isn't perfect. this is far from perfect and he's so, so scared. but this is his fate, this is his person. and maybe taekwoon still isn't as attuned to this as he is, but that's alright, that's alright because jaehwan is ready for him and willing to take whatever he can give and that's alright, that's good. jaehwan is used to giving.

 

* * *

 

"are you sure this is a good idea?" jaehwan stops and stares at the sandwiches he's packing.  
  
hakyeon looks up from his own snack packing. "why wouldn't it be?"  
  
"i don't know…" jaehwan pokes one of the wrappings and leaves an indent on the bread of a tuna sandwich. "what if things are awkward?"  
  
"you're worried there's a chance of that?" jaehwan nods. hakyeon stops to think and jaehwan likes that his friend is really thinking the possibilities through. "well, you two invited me, hongbin, wonshik and sanghyuk. taekwoon is my classmate, wonshik is his teammate _and_ mated to hongbin who is best friends with baby hyuk, who is taekwoon's cousin. so i think we're all covered, aren't we? we all know each other. are you really that worried that hongbin is that big of a variable?"  
  
"hongbin is always too big of a variable." hakyeon looks like he's about to argue, but doesn't. "and i know that you plotted this perfectly so me and taekwoon-sunbae take the bus together, but you do know that neither of us has the slightest sense of direction, don't you?"

hakyeon clicks his tongue, putting the sandwiches inside zip-lock baggies.  
  
"jyani, please, is it even possible to get lost nowadays with gps?"  
  
"i'm telling you hyung, if this were a sitcom, this is where the scene would cut inevitably to me and sunbae utterly lost in the middle of nowhere."  
  
hakyeon scoffs. "give me those and go, you two need a head start."  
  
jaehwan bites his tongue and does as he's told. well, hakyeon does have a solid point, it's not likely they'll really get that lost and there's no use suffering beforehand like this, so he finishes up quickly and leaves.  
  
he didn't pack much himself; they'll be back today still so there was no need to bring too much, so besides dressing lightly, he has a change of clothes and a towel inside his backpack, making it light enough to bounce on his back as he leaves campus in a slight jog. it's not a far way to taekwoon's apartment, it's so goddamn convenient. even if he still shares it with two people, living in an apartment is still so much nicer than campus dorms. besides hakyeon, who has a single, god-knows-how, everyone else has roommates. wonshik obviously bunks with hongbin since the two are practically glued to the hip (which is how jaehwan met hongbin), so it is a wonder that taekwoon hasn't met him too when he's in the same team as wonshik. maybe it's got something to do with the fact that taekwoon only goes to any form of social gathering every once in a full moon.  
  
it makes jaehwan really appreciate the effort his soulmate is making by going to this one. hakyeon said something about testing how they function when there's other people around too and doing that in a removed environment with a light atmosphere and— jaehwan stops that line of thought as he gets to taekwoon's apartment complex. he's not double majoring in psychology like hakyeon, he likes living, thank you very much.  
  
"hey, it's jaehwan." he says into the buzzer once it connects and the front gate clicks open with no reply.  
  
jaehwan has gone up to taekwoon's apartment a few times already, even if it always was to get something quickly and never to stay. just like right now, come to think of it. except he's picking up taekwoon, whom he thought would actually tell him to wait downstairs.  
  
and lee changsub opens the door for him.  
  
"sunbae!" he says instead of hi.  
  
lee changsub's wearing what clearly look like stay at home clothes, his brown hair a bird's nest as he grins and moves to the side so jaehwan can get in. "daegunie, your soul-boy is here!" he calls inside.  
  
what in the  
  
"are you the other roommate?" jaehwan stays rooted in place, staring. what the fuck?  
  
"yep." changsub pops the p and gestures for jaehwan to get in, which he finally does.  
  
he bends down to slip out of his shoes with his brain going a mile a minute. apparently no one thought that lee changsub, musical theater major who put school on hold because he already has an _acting contract_ , was a connection between he and taekwoon worth mentioning.

speak of the devil.

taekwoon shows up into the living-room, putting a shirt on. if jaehwan weren't already flustered, he'd start getting red just by the flash of taekwoon's stomach that he gets. "you two know each other?" taekwoon asks, once his head is out of his shirt and he's fixing it on his torso.

"of course we do, he was my senior!" jaehwan sort of screeches. he's not sure why, he doesn't think his brain is functioning the way it should.

"sorry, i meant to call, jaehwan-ah," changsub shrugs. "but daeg only said your name by text and i've been very busy with the new production."

jaehwan feels himself get redder by the second. "no, don't worry, it's not a big deal, i just—"

he's interrupted by himchan, who pops his head out of his room and waves. "oh, hey jaehwan!" jaehwan turns from changsub and bows, saying hi. "weren't you two supposed to leave, like, ten minutes ago?"

taekwoon checks his wrist (there's nothing there) and rushes back into his bedroom after saying, "we're leaving in a sec, wait here."

himchan waves again and disappears back where he came from just as taekwoon runs past into his own bedroom.

"so, can i get you anything?" changsub asks politely.

jaehwan crosses his arms and shakes his head with a polite smile of his own. he's just sort of there in the open living-room/kitchen area. he's never ventured into the rest of the apartment, but he figures there's not much else to see besides the bedroom themselves. the space is what you would expect from who lives there, a large tv and multiple bookshelves stacked with a different assortment of things jaehwan hasn't been able to check until now. he wonders if he's not supposed to leave this very spot until taekwoon comes back.

"well, make yourself at home then, i'm making myself some breakfast," himchan says, taking his leave.

jaehwan nods and moves to the nearest bookshelf. he has no time to get a look, though, before taekwoon comes out of his room again this time with his bag and a watch on his left wrist.

he looks at jaehwan weird on his spot near the bookshelf. "let's go." he comes and grabs jaehwan by the arm and drags him out of the apartment, barely giving him enough time to put his shoes back on or shout any goodbyes. "sorry about that." he says, finally, once they're inside the elevator.

"no problem." jaehwan checks himself in the mirror, his hair is alright. " i thought you were going to be waiting for me downstairs."

he sees taekwoon's reflection flinch. "i was going to, but lost track of time, sorry"

"no problem, the bus heads out all the time."

 

 

 

the bus they take is more or less empty and they hop into one without barely any wait.

the weather is absolutely amazing and jaehwan takes the window seat, idly looking outside as they leave the city behind. sometimes he watches taekwoon's reflection on the window, too. there's no way not to. taekwoon's just so pretty, jaehwan feels intimidated out of nowhere. he probably looks like a sack of potatoes seated next to someone like taekwoon.

"how was your week?"

"what?" jaehwan whips his head to the side so fast that he feels something pull on his neck and grimaces. taekwoon's face looks the same as always, as if he hadn't just asked jaehwan a _question_. on his own. jaehwan holds his nape and feels his cheeks warm a little. "ah, i. it was alright."

"hm," taekwoon murmurs. he looks to the other side and jaehwan is not sure if he's projecting but taekwoon's ears look a bit pink too. "mine was pretty standard too."

jaehwan doesn't do the dramatic head turn again, but he does manage to feel very surprised again. taekwoon just _asked him a question_ and then offered an answer of his own with no prompting whatsoever. they've been talking a lot more often recently and taekwoon has been a lot more open since their _talk_ but jaehwan is still the one usually taking the first step. he's happy but also scared of blowing this out of proportion, so he sits back and proceeds to ask more about taekwoon's week— if taekwoon is in a sharing mood jaehwan for sure's not going to miss this chance.

 

 

 

“are you sure we were supposed to turn left?” taekwoon asks once they stop at a crossroads and look from one side to the other.

jaehwan is relieved taekwoon asked that because, the thing is, he’s not sure at all. however, it doesn't mean anything good that taekwoon is as lost as he is. jaehwan sighs. he really needed taekwoon to be the smart one. he looks up at taekwoon with an apologetic grin and fishes his phone out of his pocket. it makes taekwoon snort, and the sound is music to jaehwan's ears— it means that taekwoon isn’t mad, or frustrated at jaehwan, at least. maybe at the situation they found themselves in, but not at him. which is a win.

they've been talking for a while already, which is troubling, because the bust stop wasn't supposed to be far away from the beach and there's still no sign of it.

“i tried to tell hakyeon we weren't the best people to be left to our own devices,” jaehwan already has google maps running, but his phone says there’s no gps coverage. he shakes his phone aimlessly, hoping it’ll make the thing start working somehow.

taekwoon sees jaehwan struggling and takes his own phone out. “quite literally,” he mutters.

in the end, taekwoon has better luck with coverage and they find out that they just walked five blocks in the wrong direction.

“it’s a beach, aren't we supposed to smell the sea or something?” jaehwan's question makes taekwoon laugh and it makes jaehwan feel further better, even if they have to walk five blocks back and then some.

"are you confident enough in your nose to follow it?"

"not the brightest pea in the pod, this one." taekwoon says and boops his phone on his nose a couple of times, blinking both of his eyes. it's adorable; jaehwan almost wails.

they walk the five blocks back and then the two (two!!!) left to the beach. when they actually get there, finding the others is very easy, the beach isn't too crowded and they're sat close to a lifeguards station, right where hakyeon said they'd be. everyone's already arrived and sat on towels under two large sunshades.

"you're alive!" hakyeon jumps to his feet and comes to jaehwan and taekwoon the moment he sees them approaching. "you're half an hour late! did something happen?"

"we got a little lost," jaehwan makes a tiny space between between his thumb and forefinger, closing one eye too, to show how it wasn't a big deal.

taekwoon nods at sanghyuk, who is already shirtless and lying on the sand like a starfish, and then another nod towards hongbin and wonshik, who are more or less draped over each other like they just flopped down too close and hadn't bothered to move.

"haven't seen you in a while." hakyeon turns his attention over to taekwoon once he's certified that jaehwan still has all his extremities attached to his body. his tone is only vaguely menacing, jaehwan is impressed.

"hey, hakyeon." taekwoon nods to him too, his ears turning a light shade of pink.

"did you get jaehwan lost?"

jaehwan frowns. "no, hyung, it was actua—"

"i asked taekwoon."

jaehwan promptly shuts up, eyes going wide.

"i—" taekwoon starts and stops. his eyes search for jaehwan and jaehwan comes closer and stands shoulder to shoulder. "we got distracted? neither of us knew the way, it wasn't…" he trails off again, at loss for words, but hakyeon relaxes his demeanor and smiles.

"you're both so dumb," he says fondly, patting both of their heads.

"ahjussi," sanghyuk calls from his place on the sand. "be nice to my cousin."

and then the brunt of hakyeon's attention is elsewhere and taekwoon lets out a big sigh.

"he had never talked to me like that," taekwoon whispers close to jaehwan's ear.

jaehwan squeezes taekwoon's arm with kinship. "he has scolded like this me _so many times."_

taekwoon covers jaehwan's hand with his. "that must've been tough."

jaehwan nods at taekwoon's wide eyes and they share a moment looking at each other with complete sympathy and understanding, ignoring altogether the noise as hakyeon jumps sanghyuk and starts smearing sand on him. they hold the look until wonshik and hongbin start yelling too, being thrown out of their spot by hakyeon and sanghyuk scuffing at each other.

then the mayhem is too funny to miss out on. taekwoon only let's go of jaewan's hand to drop to the sand as well and help wonshik pull hakyeon and sanghyuk away from each other while hongbin yells obscenities spurring the fight on. jaehwan watches everything with a fond smile. hakyeon was right, this was a good idea.

 

 

 

taekwoon flops down on the sand next sanghyuk by the water. the waves hit their feet only slightly and if they sit here for long it'll start reaching their butts, but it won't really matter since they're already wet.

taekwoon bumps their shoulders. "mom told me to tell you that if you stop by next week to help her you'll be compensated for your time."

sanghyuk nods, eyes still distracted on the horizon. he's shirtless and his skin already looks darker from just being out here for a couple of hours. taekwoon is wearing long sleeves and a hat so his pale skin won't burn; sanghyuk takes after his father so much that looking at them side to side you'd never guess they were related.

taekwoon stretches his legs and puts his weight back on his hands, looking far out too. they're sat closer to the water in a way that they're not in everyone's way. the sky is clear and it's really warm, so there's a lot of people milling the beach, a lot of families, but it isn't too crowded. the atmosphere is good, with kids playing around and couples going on walks.

"how's the guy?" sanghyuk looks at taekwoon, frowning from the sun. "he looks high maintenance."

"jaehwan?" sanghyuk nods. "he's— loud. but he's understanding and easy to be around."

sanghyuk hums and looks ahead again. "this is very weird. i can see how well you two go together, it's impossible to miss. never thought i'd see you like that with a soulmate, though."

"i never pictured myself like this either—," taekwoon admits. he thought it'd be harder to say this, but he finds it isn't hard either to keep going. "—but i like him. he's alright."

"you like him?"

sanghyuk doesn't look at him again, but taekwoon knows his cousin is giving him his undivided attention and looking away to make him more comfortable. taekwoon presses his lips together. his knee jerk reaction is to be peeved by the question, but this is sanghyuk. he knows his baby cousin doesn't mean anything malicious by it.

"i do. i never thought i would, but having him around is. uhm. it's pretty nice."

he watches sanghyuk's smile unfold in his face. "i'm happy for you, hyung."

taekwoon let's himself smile too.

"yeah, i'm happy too."

"is it really as helpless as you thought it'd be?" sanghyuk prods.

taekwoon stops to think. stops to think about all the times he revolted about this, all the times he promised himself and someone else that he wouldn't let this change him. he doesn't feel changed.

"it isn't. i want to say that i can't help but want to be by jaehwan, but it's not in the way i thought it'd be. it really feels like we fit together? but not in a desperate or perfect way. it's comfortable."

"comfortable." sanghyuk deadpans. "geez, i can't wait to meet my soulmate so i can settle down like you, old man."

"shut up." taekwoon karate chops sanghyuk's neck, but he's smiling. "i could leave if i really wanted to." he puts his weight back on his elbows, looking up at his cousin from the shade of his snapback. "i just don't."

 

 

 

their way back had everything to go over smoothly; they went back to the bus stop by the end of the day without trouble, took the right bus and everything, but they were so engrossed in their conversation that they missed their stop. they had to get off somewhere else way ahead and walk back.

they aren't too bothered by it.

"this is where i leave you," jaehwan whispers dramatically and feels immensely proud of himself when taekwoon giggles in response. taekwoon looks like he had the best day. he has a wide grin, arms folded behind his back and bouncing on the balls of his feet a little. "you look like you had a good time."

"i did."

jaehwan raises his eyebrows. "even though we got lost twice?"

taekwoon shrugs. "we're here now."

"yeah, we are."

they both smile at each other and—

this is a kiss moment.

taekwoon is still smiling, jaehwan is feeling bashful. the night is warm but in a pleasant way and they're both in front of taekwoon's building. jaehwan doesn't have to wait for taekwoon to go up like this, but taekwoon has been talkative and in a good mood all day. it's a make it or break it moment, a split decision. except… jaehwan doesn't— need it.

he kind of wants to hold taekwoon and never let go, but this is nothing different from what he's been feeling since day one. _today_ was perfect. they had fun and worked together and jaehwan had been worrying they would never be able to have those things, but now he knows that he can have that no matter what and he realizes that, right now, there's nothing else he needs.

"thanks for today," is what he ends up saying.

taekwoon's smile turns tender, he reaches and fixes jaehwan's hair on his forehead. "you're a good guy, jaehwan-ah. i'm glad it's you."

jaehwan's heart is racing.

"i'm— i'm glad it's you too. i'm grateful for you."

taekwoon cups jaehwan's cheek and runs his thumb on the thin skin under his eye.

it's a perfect kiss moment.

"what do you want from me?" taekwoon asks with his softest voice. "what do you need?"

jaehwan's breath hitches. this is not— he. his head starts spinning. he wasn't expecting this. he holds taekwoon's hand in place, tries to understand. "i want you." he gasps softly under taekwoon's attention. "there's always been room for you in me, i've always felt it."

"jaehwan," taekwoon presses his lips together for a moment. then he looks like this hurts and jaehwan hates it. this was a perfect day, he doesn't want to make taekwoon uncomfortable, but he can't lie about this. "you're a whole person, okay? i can't make you whole, you have to do that yourself."

it's like a punch to the gut.

since they first started talking and being more honest, taekwoon has said things like he didn't like feeling obligated to anything, that he didn't like thinking that he had a "duty" to jaehwan and— jaehwan himself didn't want to be a chore. he didn't want taekwoon to see him as some tipe of obligation or something he just had to do or someone he has to be with? or whatever. he knows these things. he knows all the things taekwoon's said, he knows how he himself sounds, but.

"we're not two parts of a whole, i'm my own person." taekwoon says ever so softly. "you're your own person, too. i can't be responsible for your happiness."

he knows where this is coming from, taekwoon is finally addressing all the things jaehwan has been saying without even noticing. and he's doing it so gently, but the tears start well up in jaehwan's eyes so fast that they spill before he can do anything about them. jaehwan sobs. it's a broke, sad, sad sound. taekwoon doesn't remove his hand, only runs his thumb under jaehwan's eye again, drying the tears. there's no pity in the gesture, jaehwan can tell. it feels caring, like he wants jaehwan to let it all out. "if not you, then who?" jaehwan asks.

it's too soon. it has only been… a month? maybe more? jaehwan's not sure. it's too soon and too fast and there's already too much tangled in his chest. he doesn't know how to untangle it.

"it has to be _you."_ taekwoon cups jaehwan's other cheek, dries the tears there too. "you work on your happiness and i work on mine and then we share it in our life together. _that's_ what i want."

jaehwan let's it sink in. "you wanna share it with me? your life?" taekwoon nods. he smiles a little, like he's glad that jaehwan gets it and. jaehwan does. it's like his eyes are opening to something else entirely. "does that mean you're ready to do it?"

taekwoon nods and any other day jaehwan would be over the moon with excitement, but right now, he's scared. he's been fantasizing and clinging to things too hard and he realizes that for this to work he needs to start seeing taekwoon without all of that in the way. he has so much to sort  out, he can't expect taekwoon to do all the work for him and—

taekwoon looks happy.

"let's go upstairs, hm?"

jaehwan just nods and taekwoon takes his hand, leading the way. the touch is grounding and jaehwan's head is such a mess that he goes up with taekwoon in a complete daze. taekwoon has to actually help him take off his shoes and tells him that changsub and himchan aren't home once he sits jaehwan on the couch.

he then goes to the kitchen and comes back with a pear on his hand.

at the sight of it jaehwan's heart starts racing so hard that he's scared that he might genuinely have a heart attack. taekwoon looks, for a moment, like he wants to say something. jaehwan rights his posture as taekwoon sits in front of him. despite his fear, he's ready for anything taekwoon would give him. he's been ready from the get go, but as he looks at taekwoon's face and waits, it dawns on him how deeply his waiting really is. he can feel it in his bones that he would never stop waiting for taekwoon, even if it killed him. that he's ready to understand everything and try his hardest. he doesn't know where to begin the change he knows he has to go through, but he knows he will. for taekwoon.

then, without saying anything, taekwoon reaches and jaehwan reaches too and— taekwoon just

just gives him the damn pear.

it's anti-climatic, jaehwan guesses, and for the first few seconds it's nothing. he doesn't feel anything, it's like taekwoon just handed him whatever of no significance. but _then_. ah. yeah.

jaehwan looks up, because he's honestly confused at the lack of— anything really. and he looks up and looks at taekwoon's face. he's been doing this a lot, paying attention to taekwoon as much as he can, really, since taekwoon first tried gifting him and jaehwan already knows his soulmate's face well enough by now; his eyes, the slope of his nose and the purse of his lips, the beauty mark under his right eye. he knows how taekwoon looks like, but. it's like he's seeing him for the first time.

jaehwan doesn't even understand what his eyes are seeing, but he never wants to look away. it starts something in his chest and it spreads everywhere, it's so much that he feels it radiating from his own skin; he feels like _he's_ the one glowing, but looking at taekwoon, it's like he can see it in him more than he could possibly ever measure feeling in himself.

he always thought that when this day finally came, it would change him, like, he always thought about how _he_ would feel and if it would do anything to him, if he'd feel relief, if it would be this big, happiest thing he's ever felt before. and it's all of those things but none of them at the same time.

taekwoon's eyes are clear. there's nothing else inside the room, nothing else in the whole world that jaehwan wants to be looking at right now. taekwoon and his eyes and his small smile and just. all of him.

jaehwan is looking at taekwoon and this is the thing— it's taekwoon. nothing's changed, not really, but. oh god. jaehwan could die. he could literally die right this second, but his death could also take the rest of his life. he'll be dying a little everyday, just like all humans do, but right next to this person. and everyday that he dies a little, just as he ought to do, he's going to be living so much more, right next to taekwoon. his soulmate.

taekwoon reaches and touches jaehwan's cheeks and the touch is wet from the water on jaehwan's eyes. taekwoon smiles, a smile so big that it makes jaehwan choke out a laugh.

it's not love.

jaehwan feels like he has just found his favorite pen under his bed by accident; when he had been looking for something else and after he had given up looking for it days ago. it's like finding something he— he can't measure how this feels. they hold hands and jaehwan is smiling so big too. it's like finding something that he never thought he would find, but at the same time, finding something he used to have and always knew he'd get back someday.

there's no name for this feeling. jaehwan pulls taekwoon and they hug each other and taekwoon let's him and they laugh and hold each other tight enough that they can feel their hearts beating together. perfect sync.

 

* * *

 

jaehwan runs his hand over his mirror to remove the condensation and is met with his own reflection. he's naked, water dripping from his hair and flushed from the hot shower. he looks at himself hard, the planes of his stomach, his bones jutting out where he's too thin to be pretty, his too pointy nose and chapped lips. he touches his cheek until his fingertips press indents on his skin, right where his stubble is starting to show.

this is his face. these are the eyes that he sees his entire life with and the legs that take him places and the mouth he uses to sing, to speak, to— he touches his lips. the dry weather has made his skin there crack and even just the touch of his own hand tingles a little.

he's a Fated person. he has found his soulmate and accepted his gift and now he has someone that he'll care about for the rest of his life. he only just left taekwoon's side, after being up all night, talking, basking in each other's company, but he already wants to see him again. he wonders what it truly means to have a soulmate, he wonders what's so different about it from any other connection in his life.

is he going to worry about taekwoon the way he does his parents? will he remember him at random and want to ask about his day the way he sometimes did back when he and jin were going to different schools? will he feel the same kind of companionship with taekwoon as he does with his brothers? will he crave his touch and his presence the way he did with past lovers? what's so different about this?

he does feel different, just not how he always thought he would.

all his life, he felt empty when he wasn't dating someone, like there was this void inside himself he only ever filled when he had someone to love, someone to love him and care for him. he knows that this is the last thing taekwoon wants, he's said so.

he's supposed to make himself happy first.

jaehwan looks inside his own eyes and wonders how in the world he's supposed to do that.

funny enough, he doesn't think he's ever looked at himself with this much honesty before in his entire life. he likes how he looks. his problem has never been thinking he was ugly or disgusting, but rather, he felt like no one would ever look at him and see what he sees in the mirror and love him for it. it's not that he thought he wasn't worth looking at, he just always felt that all that he is would never be _right_ for anyone but himself.

taekwoon is supposed to be the person that he's made to, he's supposed to always be there for jaehwan, but… he's not supposed to fix him. jaehwan looks at his reflection, really looks, and knows that this is what he has, this is who he is. he knows that he has to make the most of it, the most of himself.

he has to try harder in class. he has to keep auditioning. he has to stop looking at what other people have and want the same for himself. he's someone else, he doesn't look like anyone but himself and. ah, well. he needs different things. he doesn't even need the same things that his soulmate does.

what was it that taekwoon said he wanted? _you work on your happiness and i work on mine and then we share it in our life together._

jaehwan watches himself smile on the mirror, feels the giddiness start on his chest and spread to the rest of his body. what the fuck? he can't wait to get this right.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> final thanks to [lia](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Silent_Caster)! thank you for encouraging me!  
> and to you who read this, my sincere thanks as well. make sure to let me know your thoughts on this fic, i love feedback!  
> this was a weird idea that morphed into something else entirely, i hope readers aren't too angry at me for making this platonic... but! i had something to say, i guess. it feels nice to finally say it after so many fckng months writing this lmao.  
> thank you for reading if you made it this far!
> 
> i'm on [twitter](https://twitter.com/cluelesskaru) and [curious cat](https://curiouscat.me/clulesskaru) if you want to further yell at me :)


End file.
